What Concerns Me Is.....

Why do doctors think that they can use those words and then tell us there is nothing to worry about in the next sentence. Its instinct as a parent to worry, then you use those words and instantly your breath catches.

It started almost five years ago during my first pregnancy. I was told my ultra sound showed an obstruction and I needed to see a specialist. Welcome to a 'high risk pregnancy'. Words they should never speak to a pregnant woman who needs to stay calm. Especially a first time one. The specialist concluded there was a blockage at the base of the umbilical cord. The blockage prevented most of the nutrients from reaching the baby. So, to ensure the little bit he got was all nutrition that meant I could only eat or drink things to keep him healthy. I had a stricter diet than the average pregnancy. Still, I follow directions well and the baby was thriving. Then I get told I have gestational diabetes. Once again, requiring a change in my already strict diet. And of course there is the high blood pressure that kept me at the hospital a few times. After a quick, two weeks early delivery we get to see the blockage. It was the size of a baseball and we found out that it was more severe than they had thought through the constant monitoring and if he would have waited to be born on his due date he would of been a still born. Again, not something you tell a first time mom who was already scared. Then comes the blood sugar monitoring on your newborn and throw in a little jaundice for good measure. After a few days they let us leave the hospital but say we have to do the daily hospital trip to check his numbers. A couple days later we get the all clear. No admittance. Things are looking good. That is until that 3 month check up when the doctor says he hears a murmur. A murmur? What the heck is that and what does it mean? Ill tell you what that means. It means you have to take an immediate trip to another specialist where you have to help them hold your child down on a table with wires attached to them among other things while they run their test. Then you go into another room where for the second time in one day you hear that your child definitely has a murmur and needs to go to the hospital for further testing. Ill tell you I broke down at this point. Then at the hospital while trying to be strong you get told that your child has a hole in their heart. And then you get the classic but dont worry, its small and in a good spot. A good spot? Really? My child has a hole in his heart!! Then you go in for the follow up test a while later and you get told one hole is closing up nicely. One hole? How many holes in his heart does he have?? Two to be exact. Well, back to one since the other one closed up. Another follow up is in the works for my now healthy baby boy.

Here comes baby number two. You have gestational diabetes, wait no you dont, wait yes you do. Oh hell, they never could figure it out. Nasty bad Dr. Transferred to a new Dr one visit before having my baby girl. She was a good Dr. When it was time baby girl came out so fast and so hard that she was bruised from head nearly to toe. She was purple. Her blood vessels in her eyes burst during delivery as well. She had a dislocated shoulder that healed up great. And she too had jaundice. Many blood tests, an IV, and a trip to the nursery later we were finally released from the hospital with a clean bill of health. Baby girl was still purple and we had to continue to explain to people why our daughter was bruised up. We noticed the seizures the second day after we had come home leading us to another panicked Dr visit. Baby girl was sent to the hospital for testing. Results came back clean. The seizures eased up with the healing of her bruising. It was said that she was seizing as a complication from the bruising. Possibly some swelling in the brain that relieved itself. Shes my perfectly healthy smart baby girl now.

Newest baby boy comes along with an ideal and symptom free pregnancy. Thus raising the stress level of when the bad news will hit. Well first off, he was supposed to be a she. Haha. But I've already shared that story. We only got sent to the hospital once during the pregnancy. Due to his lack of fetal movement. He was fine though and after monitoring while sucking down some super sweet juice he started to wiggle again. After what baby girl went through I had to use all my constraint to make sure his birth was easier on him. He still came so quickly that the Dr barely caught him. But she did, only before she had a chance to get her 'splash guard' in place. What a mess! Hahadont want to. Then comes today. The Dr says its just a virus and let it run its course. Then she did it. She said those words, but what concerns me.... I heard the sound. The dun dun dun echoing through my ears. I could feel it in the pit of my gut. She said he may have asthma. That could be whats causing him to get sick so much worse than the other two kiddos. Why he stays sick longer and gets such bad coughs. Then she says the cliche, but dont worry. Haha. Ya right. I'm his mom. That's what we do! I grew up with asthma and so I know how to cope with it and what its like to have it first hand. But I dont want my child to have it. All in all baby boy is also strong & healthy.

I'm glad my stories are what they are. Everything is in the past (well, except the asthma part) and my kids are healthy. I know there are so many other things that could have happened over these past few years and am grateful for the health we have.

PERFECT

What does perfect mean?

Perfect: entirely without fault or defect.

There are many things that I would like to have perfect. On a serious note: a perfect welfare system, a perfect educational system, a perfect judicial system, etc. On a funner note: a perfect pumpkin to carve at Halloween, the perfect dress to make me look goooood, hell, the perfect figure, a warm bath thats the perfect temperature, a perfectly baked batch of cookies, a perfect hair day, a perfectly lite room, etc. But there are two things that I dont ever want to see perfect: you or me.

With that said, do you know a perfect person? If they have a significant other that person too is perfect in all ways. They're children are perfect. Thusly in part because they are perfect parents. They have perfect morals and perfect ideals. They have perfect motivation and perfect drive. They have a perfect outlook on life mostly because they have had the perfect amount of struggle in their life giving them perfect advice to give and the perfect answer to anyones questions. They were even raised by perfect parents themselves amplifying their current perfectness. They have perfect religious beliefs and perfect political opinions. They are just perfectly perfect! 

How then is it that I can no longer stomach having a conversation with perfection? Whenever one of these (usually self proclaimed) perfect people has an opinion I just want to throw something at them. Not that I feel everything they say or do is wrong but that its always dripping with their superiority over those that are by far nowhere near perfect. 

Rock on all my none perfect friends!!

Dishes

Dishes. Ugh. Just hearing the word irritates me. About how many times a day do the dishes in your house need to be washed? Who does them? And is there a dish washer involved? Does the chore get shared among others in your house hold or is it solely your responsibility? How many other people are dirtying those dishes besides yourself?

Heres my thing. I wash dishes at least three times a day (after each meal). Sometimes more if I'm baking, cooking for a holiday/party or a multitude of other reasons. I dont have a dish washer so I have to wash all my dishes by hand. Including the sippy cups which I despise. I clean up after all 5 of us. Even the smallest amount of dishes is a huge chore. Reason being.......Alex, Emma and William. Its like they go into this anti-washing mode anytime the faucet water turns on. As soon as I put my hands into the water and they're covered in soapy bubbles Emma needs more juice, William wants his shoes on, Alex needs me to look at his new play set, Emma wants a wipey, William needs a cracker, now Alex needs more juice, Emma's sock is twisted, Alex cant get his button fastened, William stole Emma's toy, Alex wants to know how to pronounce leaellynasaura (lee-ell-in-ah-saw-rah), Emma cant get her credit card back in her wallet, William wants 'up, up', Alex wants to know how to pronounce Jingshanosaurus (yin-shahn-oh-saw-rus), Emma wants a hug, Williams trying to eat out of the trash can, and Alex neeeeeeds to know how to say sinosauropteryx (sy-no-saw-op-tur-iks).

I do not exaggerate the situation. I have three kids that are 1, 2, and 4. They can be a handful. I haven't quite figured out the reasoning behind the dishes stressor. They can be completely engulfed in whatever toy they have or cartoon they are watching and then poof. I do dishes and they are practically climbing up my legs. I get to wash one maybe two dishes before one or more of them come running up to me. They keep me busy.

This was just a rant so no deep thoughts on this one.

Freight Train

Do you ever feel as though your barreling through life? You cant see. Its dark. Flashes of light keep you confused. The air stings your skin. Its stifling. You struggle for a breath. Filling your lungs with the scorching flames of failure. Depression seems eminent. Its coming for you in an all encompassing cloud of sadness and despair. This dreary feeling thats coming to consume you until there is nothing left. Its like a freight train screaming down the tracks. The number of cars keeps growing as it continues to pick up momentum. You feel as though you'll never escape it. The vortex its creating keeps pulling you under. You struggle to break free and then you get hit. Knocked down. By yet another disappointment. Another failure. When will it all end? Why you? You cant take much more!

Then the train begins to slow. All you can hear is the screeching of the brakes in your ears. The stench of smoke and grease fills your nostrils. Your stomach roils in fear of whats about to transpire. Then the fog clears. You open your soot filled eyes. Tears roll down your cheek. Taking with them the grime that has been your existence. Your body continues its violent purging of all things past. Your left curled on the ground. You place your palms on the cool surface below you. Running your fingers over each blade of glistening grass. The scent of freshly bloomed flowers dances over your senses. You open your eyes but after your dark journey its too much. Too soon. Your blinded by the bright rays of warmth beating down on your skin. A soft breeze wraps itself around you caressing you gently. You close your eyes tightly reaching out for something. Anything. To help you gain your balance as you try to stand. Your body is weak. Your muscles atrophied. You dont feel anything there. With one last lingering reach you grab something. It grabs you back. Frightened by this new feeling, one you cant yet comprehend, you let go. To your dismay your still rising. Being pulled to your feet. You feel the dirt being brushed away from your shoulders. That burden being released.  Dust swirls at your feet trying to cling on to all its known. Yet you stand firm. You are guided to a stream. The feel of the water rushing over your body is invigorating. You had thought you lost the ability to feel yet here you are. Your flesh pinkened in the chilly river water. Your fingers work vigorously to untangle your journey. You are elated at the cleansing effects of the river on your soul while you wash it all away. You emerge whole and complete.

You feel as though you've opened your eyes for the very first time. Seeing the world through a fresh perspective. You look around at this beautiful place. Full of life. Color. Love. Then you remember that feeling. The one that frightened you. You look around frantically for the hand that lifted you from the ground. Removed your burden and led you to the river. There is noone around. You follow the foot prints back to the spot where you laid a huddled mass. You thought you were alone but there were two sets of foot prints on the ground. So who was it that lifted you up? That was there for you when you thought you couldn't take anymore? Removing your burdens for you? Washing away your past? Allowing you a clean start?

We've all had that feeling. The one where you just cant understand why you would be put through so much. Why you cant get ahead. Why you keep getting pulled down. You feel like your gonna drown in a sea of your own emotions. You just want it to end. To find a way out. I just wanted to let you know, we've all been there.  We've all had a moment where we questioned our life. The choice is yours though. The choice on where to go from here. Are you going to reach out your hand even though you dont see anyone around?

I did.....

Feb 14th is Overrated

I'm married to one of those guys you've probably heard about that says valentines day is a man made commercialized holiday. He refuses to celebrate it in the traditional way (i.e. flowers, candy, romantic dinner, pretty much gifts of any kind). He refuses to be told that he has to 'prove' his love for me on a day that Hallmark made up. I really dont know exactly when or why this transformation took place. When we were younger he loved V-Day. He would get me roses, candy, balloons, teddy bears, cards, the whole shebang. Oh well, the why is not important. I understand his point and dont push the matter. I still believe in the love and magic of the day but thats not what this is about though.

I'm truly thankful for the love we share. 365 days a year for the last 15 years his behavior towards me has remained constant. He tells me all day everyday that he loves me. He gives me hugs and kisses at every opportunity. Those two small gestures alone are enough to make Valentines Day look like amateur hour to me. He's right in the fact that he doesn't need to 'prove' his love to me on this one day. He proves his love in the little things everyday.

Here's a small example. I got my hair cut last week and when I came home I told him what the stylist had told me about how to style it. I told him about the type of brush she used and the styling product she used with it. Within two days he came home with not one but two of that type of brush in different sizes to make sure he got the right one and the styling product. He listened to what I said and got what I needed to upkeep my style. It was incredibly sweet and I had no idea he was going to do that. I certainly hadn't asked him to. Another example is my new phone cover. I had gotten him one as part of his V-Day gift. I told him I saw the one I wanted. So what does he do? He comes home with it yesterday.

He does the sweetest things all the time. He lets me take a nap when I'm really tired from a night up with the wee ones. He watches my shows for me when I cant be home to watch them so he can tell me whats happening. He even calls me while I'm gone to tell me whats happening because its so exciting! Sometimes he will clean up the kitchen and/or do the dishes for me just because. There are literally too many things for me to list that show me how much he cares.

So when he came home this Valentines Day with a little gift for me I was ubber surprised. He had gotten me the chick flick that I wanted, The Bounty Hunter. As great as it was to get that acknowledgement it meant more that he put on the movie (at seven) and we watched it together. The time that he put it on was special too because he didn't want me to miss my show at 9. I didn't mind but he did. He wanted to make sure I had time to watch both. He's so thoughtful.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that while my husband might not like being told to 'prove' his love on one day, he does it everyday. That makes me feel more loved and special than any V-Day celebration ever could. I dont feel jealous of the women that get that ONE grand gesture because I feel the love ALL YEAR LONG. Feb 14th is Overrated.

Snow Day

We finally did it!! We took the kids to the snow for the very first time. They were so excited that they could barely sleep the night before. Once we got up in the morning all they talked about was going to the snow. As I packed the last couple items I noticed Emma pacing at the door in anticipation. Alex had his hand on the knob and was opening & closing the door repeatedly. Their excitement only heightened as we got in the car and began our drive. Our climb up the mountain was a bluster of chatter and laughter. The car began to bounce in rhythm to the ever mounting excitement. The turns were coming quicker, the drop steeper. Then we heard it.....the 'splarph' of the mornings bananas and juice. We pulled over in the first turnout we could find. David rushed to Emma while I grappled with Alex. Both had simultaneously lost their breakfast from the curvy motion of the road. Once everyone and everything had been decontaminated we continued our advance towards that white plushy wonderland. But not before enjoying this breathtaking view.

The rest of our ascent was fairly uneventful. However, the air in the vehicle had changed. The exuberance had been replaced by the whines of upset tummy's and swirling heads. The protests of being held captive by those pesky seat belts were beginning to hinder our desire to continue on our journey. Then, as if a marshmallow had exploded  we began to see dirty mounds of our enchanted kingdom. The euphoria was once again mounting. It became evident that we had made the right decision in our perseverance up the mountain side. Before we knew it we were surrounded by a gleaming snow blanket nestled ever so delicately over the forest floor. We began our search for the perfect play area when we heard it, again, 'phlaft'. Emma's little hand was covering her quivering lip as she desperately tried to contain another round of motion sickness. David swooped her from the car and as soon as he was clear she let it fly. Our poor little girl who wanted nothing more than to play in the plush oasis of snow was miserable. After several minutes she had finally gotten it all out of her system. As a reward for being such a brave little warrior she was the first to get to touch snow. The boys sat in the car still held captive by their seat belts while Emma explored snow and another beautiful view.

Energized with a new spirit we pressed on in our search. Finally, we had found the perfect place. We bundled up the children and they were gone. There was no hint of guilt when they ran for the snow leaving us behind in the parking lot. We took that moment to inhale deeply and feel that same sense of awe that our babies were experiencing. Then we dove in, okay more like fell in. We tried to make a snowman but the kids were too excited to stay in one place so we called it a volcano and continued on to a snowball fight. We dug the start of a tunnel in a small mound of snow and had another snowball fight. The kids shoveled everywhere. Emma decided quickly that while she enjoys snow she doesn't do cold. William was having himself a jolly good time. At least until about the fortyish time he fell. Then he demanded to be toted everywhere. The only complaint Alex made was that he wasn't ready to come home. He is our snow angel. 

Another wonderful family fun day has come to an end.

"Grand"

Think back to when you were a kid. What do you remember? Do you remember spending the weekend with your grandparents? Watching Nascar races and John Wayne movies with your Grandpa? Eating wonderful creations that your Grandma made from scratch in the kitchen? Those are some of the things I remember about my Grandparents. Civil War reenactments, air shows, shopping trips, and comfort foods. Every time I see an old episode of Shirley Temple I think about my Grandma.

I have so many more fun memories about my Grandparents. I saw them every weekend and sometimes in between. We talked on the phone and even got cards in the mail. They are very special to me.

I have a few memories of my other Grandparents too. Just not as many. My Grandpa took us out to a canal near his house and we went fishing. We made our own ice cream too. I remember one time my Grandma said she was gonna put me in her suitcase and take me home with her. And watermelon. Can't forget the huge slices of watermelon we ate.

We made it out to visit them a few times and they used to visit us too. But that was a long time ago. That's about all I remember from when I was little. Most of the memories I have of them are from when I was older.

Its funny the things we remember and the things we forget. We have no control over it. Some things just stick with us for one reason or another. Which is what leads me to write this. I wonder what types of things my kids are gonna remember about their Grandparents? What memories are they gonna cherish? If any?