Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Going for a Swim

Its no secret that I dont care for in ground pools. I find them to be too dangerous. Even a gated pool is dangerous while having a pool party. It only takes a second for a child to fall in.

With that said, we were invited to a pool party this past weekend. We told the kiddos they were not getting in the pool but since all the other kids were in or next to the pool that's where mine wanted to be. I told them they had to stay by the steps at the shallow end of the pool (just in case they fell in). I also told them to not be leaning over the side of pool and of course no running. I stood next to them and supervised them the entire time we were near the pool. And still, it happened.

That heart wrenching moment when my baby (William) feel into the swimming pool. I saw his little body floating on the water while his head stayed submerged. He was thrashing his little hands and feet so hard that he actually propelled himself away from the side of the pool. His body was moving in a violent struggle for air. I jumped into the pool after him. Grabbed him by his shirt and yanked him out of the water. As soon as his face broke through the water he began crying. Not that I have a boo-boo or someone took my toy cry. But that I'm scared out of my mind cry. I just stood there in the pool holding my baby. From the time he fell in until the time I pulled him out was probably only about 30 seconds but it felt like I was seeing it in slow motion and it lasted an eternity. I felt my heart stop beating in my chest. I was terrified.

Hearing him cry made me feel comforted because at least I knew he was breathing. He had instinctively held his breath while he was under water. He sneezed several times blowing out some pool water but nothing more. I felt very lucky to take my dripping baby home to get a warm shower and clean clothes. I felt lucky that I was standing next to the pool. Lucky that I was watching him and not looking elsewhere. Lucky that he held his breath. Lucky he was alive to cry.

I dont think that one can truly understand the depth of that fear unless you've also gone through it. I had a friend go through the exact same thing several weeks ago and while I was sympathetic I didn't know how exactly she'd felt. Now I do. It doesn't seem as scary when you just think of a child falling in and being rescued so quickly. You think they're fine. It was only for a minute. Its not that big of a deal. But then when you witness your child so full of fear its a completely different story. I dont think I will ever forget that image. It has been replaying in my head. Over and over. All the what ifs that could of happened. What if I wasnt there? What if I had looked away? What if he hadnt held his breath? What if he was farther away from me? But thanks to an amazing friend who kept talking when I didnt want to listen Im getting past that stage. I will never forget how it felt or what I saw but I will not let the what ifs take control of me. I have a perfectly healthy super happy amazing son. Whats not to feel lucky about?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

What Concerns Me Is.....

Why do doctors think that they can use those words and then tell us there is nothing to worry about in the next sentence. Its instinct as a parent to worry, then you use those words and instantly your breath catches.

It started almost five years ago during my first pregnancy. I was told my ultra sound showed an obstruction and I needed to see a specialist. Welcome to a 'high risk pregnancy'. Words they should never speak to a pregnant woman who needs to stay calm. Especially a first time one. The specialist concluded there was a blockage at the base of the umbilical cord. The blockage prevented most of the nutrients from reaching the baby. So, to ensure the little bit he got was all nutrition that meant I could only eat or drink things to keep him healthy. I had a stricter diet than the average pregnancy. Still, I follow directions well and the baby was thriving. Then I get told I have gestational diabetes. Once again, requiring a change in my already strict diet. And of course there is the high blood pressure that kept me at the hospital a few times. After a quick, two weeks early delivery we get to see the blockage. It was the size of a baseball and we found out that it was more severe than they had thought through the constant monitoring and if he would have waited to be born on his due date he would of been a still born. Again, not something you tell a first time mom who was already scared. Then comes the blood sugar monitoring on your newborn and throw in a little jaundice for good measure. After a few days they let us leave the hospital but say we have to do the daily hospital trip to check his numbers. A couple days later we get the all clear. No admittance. Things are looking good. That is until that 3 month check up when the doctor says he hears a murmur. A murmur? What the heck is that and what does it mean? Ill tell you what that means. It means you have to take an immediate trip to another specialist where you have to help them hold your child down on a table with wires attached to them among other things while they run their test. Then you go into another room where for the second time in one day you hear that your child definitely has a murmur and needs to go to the hospital for further testing. Ill tell you I broke down at this point. Then at the hospital while trying to be strong you get told that your child has a hole in their heart. And then you get the classic but dont worry, its small and in a good spot. A good spot? Really? My child has a hole in his heart!! Then you go in for the follow up test a while later and you get told one hole is closing up nicely. One hole? How many holes in his heart does he have?? Two to be exact. Well, back to one since the other one closed up. Another follow up is in the works for my now healthy baby boy.

Here comes baby number two. You have gestational diabetes, wait no you dont, wait yes you do. Oh hell, they never could figure it out. Nasty bad Dr. Transferred to a new Dr one visit before having my baby girl. She was a good Dr. When it was time baby girl came out so fast and so hard that she was bruised from head nearly to toe. She was purple. Her blood vessels in her eyes burst during delivery as well. She had a dislocated shoulder that healed up great. And she too had jaundice. Many blood tests, an IV, and a trip to the nursery later we were finally released from the hospital with a clean bill of health. Baby girl was still purple and we had to continue to explain to people why our daughter was bruised up. We noticed the seizures the second day after we had come home leading us to another panicked Dr visit. Baby girl was sent to the hospital for testing. Results came back clean. The seizures eased up with the healing of her bruising. It was said that she was seizing as a complication from the bruising. Possibly some swelling in the brain that relieved itself. Shes my perfectly healthy smart baby girl now.

Newest baby boy comes along with an ideal and symptom free pregnancy. Thus raising the stress level of when the bad news will hit. Well first off, he was supposed to be a she. Haha. But I've already shared that story. We only got sent to the hospital once during the pregnancy. Due to his lack of fetal movement. He was fine though and after monitoring while sucking down some super sweet juice he started to wiggle again. After what baby girl went through I had to use all my constraint to make sure his birth was easier on him. He still came so quickly that the Dr barely caught him. But she did, only before she had a chance to get her 'splash guard' in place. What a mess! Hahadont want to. Then comes today. The Dr says its just a virus and let it run its course. Then she did it. She said those words, but what concerns me.... I heard the sound. The dun dun dun echoing through my ears. I could feel it in the pit of my gut. She said he may have asthma. That could be whats causing him to get sick so much worse than the other two kiddos. Why he stays sick longer and gets such bad coughs. Then she says the cliche, but dont worry. Haha. Ya right. I'm his mom. That's what we do! I grew up with asthma and so I know how to cope with it and what its like to have it first hand. But I dont want my child to have it. All in all baby boy is also strong & healthy.

I'm glad my stories are what they are. Everything is in the past (well, except the asthma part) and my kids are healthy. I know there are so many other things that could have happened over these past few years and am grateful for the health we have.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


What does perfect mean?
Perfect: entirely without fault or defect.

There are many things that I would like to have perfect. On a serious note: a perfect welfare system, a perfect educational system, a perfect judicial system, etc. On a funner note: a perfect pumpkin to carve at Halloween, the perfect dress to make me look goooood, hell, the perfect figure, a warm bath thats the perfect temperature, a perfectly baked batch of cookies, a perfect hair day, a perfectly lite room, etc. But there are two things that I dont ever want to see perfect: you or me.

With that said, do you know a perfect person? If they have a significant other that person too is perfect in all ways. They're children are perfect. Thusly in part because they are perfect parents. They have perfect morals and perfect ideals. They have perfect motivation and perfect drive. They have a perfect outlook on life mostly because they have had the perfect amount of struggle in their life giving them perfect advice to give and the perfect answer to anyones questions. They were even raised by perfect parents themselves amplifying their current perfectness. They have perfect religious beliefs and perfect political opinions. They are just perfectly perfect! 

How then is it that I can no longer stomach having a conversation with perfection? Whenever one of these (usually self proclaimed) perfect people has an opinion I just want to throw something at them. Not that I feel everything they say or do is wrong but that its always dripping with their superiority over those that are by far nowhere near perfect. 

Rock on all my none perfect friends!!